How resolutions are NOT helpful
In case you haven’t noticed, the world is obsessed with you changing your life.
All over the internet there are screaming titles like “Start the New Year Right! Lose Weight Now!” and “Is THIS the Year for You to Try Kick-Boxing?” and “Get started on your New Years’ Resolutions!”
It makes my skin crawl. And it makes me sorta sad. Because this type of change, if you undertake it, is the kind that lasts a month or two. Not the type of change that sticks, and for which you’re grateful later on. If you’re like me, asking yourself to do something and failing is a great opportunity to beat yourself up, and this is a set-up to do just that.
Don’t do it. No resolutions for you this year!
It’s not that resolutions are bad, it’s that they are taken out of context. To latch onto a new exercise regime or commit to taking a class simply because it’s January is not a well thought out plan. There’s no basis for it; it’s like building a house without a foundation. And if the resolutions you set aren’t aligned with your values, you can be sure that come February or March you will have left them behind for good.
Intentions and Goals
It all boils down to the difference between an intention and a goal. (At this time of year we can substitute the word “resolution” for “goal”). Intentions come from a deep place within us, and aren’t necessarily tied to an outcome. Intentions are your soul asking to be heard. They are how you’d live your life if you had no baggage, no limiting beliefs, no fear. If all your actions were inspired by love. Living intentionally is living from the inside out.
Goals are endpoints. In terms of your personal journey, they can be helpful in charting the course, but on their own they will not help you find fulfillment. Goals are often externally generated, and have “should” or “have to” associated with them. It’s easy to grab onto a goal that sounds good – and achieve it – only to find that a deeper dissatisfaction remains. Even SMART goals (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely), those beloved offspring of management consultants, are limited in their impact unless they are tied to something deeper than a desire to maximize output.
In my coaching practice, I help clients uncover and identify their intentions and allow them to influence action, including goals and the plans needed to realize those goals. They reflect on what’s important to them and what makes them feel happiest, and they set intentions that support their values. For instance, Susan places a high value on connection with others. One of her intentions is to have meaningful relationships in her life. A goal she might set for herself is to renew important friendships, and her plan might be to call two old friends and arrange dates with them by the end of the month. Filling in the blanks with the how is secondary to identifying the container.
Bring on the scream-free intentions
Let’s make a list of intentions for 2011. Let’s fill the list with simple loving requests for peace, fulfillment and joy. Let’s give ourselves permission to blossom.
I’ll start.
- To simply Be.
- To connect deeply with others and build strong, healthy relationships.
- To choose the mindset of abundance rather than scarcity.
- To prioritize joy and spontaneity.
- To experience satisfaction by showing up in the present moment and meeting what is.
Now it’s your turn. Please add your intentions in the comments below!!!!
Happy New Year,
Amy
Calm your inner critic with Tara Mohr
I don’t use this blog to promote products or services, because that’s not what I’m about. I write to share my process with you, in the hopes that some of what I say resonates with you and you use that to explore your own inner world.
Today I’m putting the word out about Tara Mohr’s upcoming Inner Critic Clinic. I’m breaking my own rules, because I feel strongly about Tara and her work. The Clinic is something I seriously hope you’ll consider, because I have no doubt it’s going to be phenomenal. In fact, I wish it had been me who’d dreamed it up. Alas.
Tara is an uber smart, insightful, grounded woman who happens to be an amazing coach. You may have read her on The Huffington Post or checked out her website. She’s from the Bay Area and has many clients who are struggling to find “right work”; careers that aren’t soul-sucking and that instead are aligned with values and passions. And she has found that one area that impacts her clients in a major way is the work she does with them around The Inner Critic. The work involves a process of getting to know this voice and learning how to take it out of the driver’s seat of our lives, so that we can live with ease and joy, so that we can go for our dreams.
Sound good? I thought so.
Check out the information here, and feel free to contact Tara with any questions you may have. I can personally vouch for her, having experienced her coaching myself which had a profound effect on my life and my business. She’s the real deal, people.
It’s that time of year
The year is winding down, the holidays are here. We’re tempted to pack things up, close them down, look ahead to a new year. I love nothing more than a new calendar on the wall: 12 pages of possibility, an unlimited set of opportunities, oodles of adventures. Bring it, 2011!
But first let’s say goodbye to 2010 in a way that honors how we grew, the lessons we learned, the challenges we overcame.
Let’s recognize the gifts of the year.
It’s important to express gratitude in whatever form feels most true, so that we can really integrate what we have received with the women we are becoming. And each of us received many many phenomenal gifts over the last year. Things that changed us, or helped us change situations. Teachings that enabled us to stretch beyond where we thought we could grow. People who inspired us to be better, stronger, more alive. Lucky us. All of us.
I spent some time on a recent weekend morning reflecting on the gifts I received in 2010. It was a surprising exercise for me; I thought I’d been paying attention, but in inventorying what came my way over the months I was overwhelmed with gratitude and shocked by the abundance. I thought about the different areas of my life: my family, my friends, my children, my career, my body, my spiritual practice, my personal growth. And as I shone my little flashlight on each of these areas I recalled words, opportunities, extended arms, vitality and strength, generous offerings, new awareness, and gentle reminders.
What I felt as I completed the exercise was…complete. Like I’d looked each gift giver in the eye and said a heartfelt “thank you”. Like the transaction was properly closed.
I invite you to do the same. Create a map of what came your way in 2010. Divide up your life into pie wedges, or a series of circles around a central sphere. It doesn’t much matter what it looks like. Identify the categories that are most important to you. Start thinking about what happened in these areas. Why are you exercising regularly? What did your kids remind you about the importance of play? Who helped you with the self-discovery puzzle you’ve been working on? What new wisdom do you have about yourself as a powerful entrepreneur?
How have these gifts changed your life?
Appreciating what we are — deeply appreciating, in our hearts not our heads — is a way of closing the circle and marking the end of a particular phase in our lives. It also, curiously, opens us up to new gifts and greater abundance in the time ahead.
What are you appreciating? What did 2010 bring that makes you even more alive than ever? What does it feel like to rest in that space of “thank you”?
And what lies just ahead for you in 2011?
The Girl Effect
The Girl Effect. It’s a great name for an organization devoted to mobilizing awareness and resources to fight poverty in the developing world by targeting girls. And yes, it’s a no-brainer that investing in a girl is a good solid investment; by keeping her in school, unmarried and healthy, we greatly improve the health of her family and her community. Girls and women keep the investment in the society around them by feeding themselves better, caring for themselves better and educating themselves and their children. So multiply that by millions of girls and I see an effective poverty reduction strategy.
Why am I writing about this today, on a blog that’s normally about mamas morphing? Because I want to be a part of a solution to a problem I’ve been thinking about most of my adult life. And it’s linked to being a woman and a mother. I’m joining a team of other bloggers today, November 16, in writing about this issue so that we can raise awareness and get people thinking about The Girl Effect. My friend and colleague Tara Mohr assembled this team; please jump over to her blog to read the 30 or so others who have blogged about this today.
I spent 10 years working on poverty and social justice in Africa and India, and learning what didn’t work in terms of international development. I left the field pretty discouraged. But along the way I collected stories of women and girls and I can say with absolute certainty that investing in girls is a sound strategy. Girls don’t go off and drink their microloans; they build their businesses and work hard to make them succeed. Girls who become mothers in their early teens don’t even have a chance of making it beyond whatever they were born into; their whole lives revolve around raising children and eking by. Girls who can read and who are given opportunities become powerful assests in their communities, again and again.
When I was in the Peace Corps in the Central African Republic, I became great friends with Georgette, who lived in my village and was in her early 20′s just like me. Georgette had three kids with three different men, and no husband. When I showed up she lived with her parents, who were slightly better off than most of the other folks in the village. Georgette had about a 6th grade education.
What was different about Georgette was that she had gumption. In the two years that I knew her, she started three different businesses and moved twice. She wrangled some funding, got friends to help her out, and started selling: first moonshine (bad idea), then fresh doughnuts at the bus station, then handmade clothing. She was full of energy and enthusiasm, and started out each new venture with a bang. Unfortunately, without any sort of business strategy, and without childcare, each of her businesses failed. When I left Africa, she was pregnant again and relying on her latest “husband” for income when he happened to be around. She later moved back home to her parents’ village.
It shouldn’t have to be this hard for someone like Georgette to make a living.
We take for granted so many things in our lives: free education, clean water, healthcare, the freedom to do what we want. Take a moment to imagine what it’s like to be poor, young and female in a place like the Central African Republic. The society doesn’t explicitly prohibit girls and women from becoming successful, yet the obstacles in their way keep them poor, illiterate and vulnerable to HIV and other devastating health issues. Girls drop out of school early because they need to work in the fields, or because they get pregnant. They receive the message that it’s okay to have sex with men for money, and as a result there are many many unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases, including AIDS. Girls don’t have role models to emulate, so they become younger versions of the women around them; poor, disenfranchised, and weak.
Let’s do our part to turn this around. Check out this video on The Girl Effect and share it with everyone you know. Get disgusted, get angry, make noise. Give money or time. Be involved.
It matters, because girls become women and bear the responsibility for their families without the resources they need to do it well. Help them make choices that empower them. Help the girls effect change.
Thanks for reading.
Ready for takeoff
I just got back from the annual Ladies Who Launch conference for women entrepreneurs. I wasn’t sure what to expect, never having been to a gathering of entrepreneurs before, and I left feeling like I’d upped my mojo significantly. It was so cool to hang out with women who are devoted to rocking their businesses. And it was totally unlike what I’d imagined a business conference might be (nervous women in suits, pressing cards into my hands and trying to sell me something I don’t want). Instead, there was this weird buzz of estrogen-fueled passion and purpose that kept me connected and wanting more. And brilliant women sharing juicy bits of advice so we fledglings can avoid some classic pitfalls on our way to success.
I even got to hug a few of my sheroes, Danielle LaPorte and Lissa Rankin. Sigh.
I’m going back next year for sure.
The name of the conference was Dream it, Launch it, Live it. And though it was designed mainly for budding and established entrepreneurs, the themes that kept coming up were definitely not limited to kicking butt in business. There were messages about getting real with what you want out of life, and going for it. Of saying Yes to dreams, because life is short. Of getting off the hamster wheel and onto your real path. Of living from a place of joy, rather than fear.
In other words, life lessons that we can all apply to whatever domain we choose. Maybe there’s a book that wants to be written while the baby is napping. Maybe it’s time to take the kids out of school and go to South Asia for six months. Maybe you really ARE done with that career and ready to become what you’ve wanted to be since you were 10.
For me, I spent the two days finessing the changes ahead for me in terms of my own business. I am re-launching my coaching practice in a few weeks, and the new version is richer and fuller that what I’ve been offering until now. In the interest of doing what I love (yes, I do walk my talk!), I am shifting my focus to women who are ready to step more fully into doing what they love. I’m putting the call out to those women who want who they are and what they do to be interchangeable. Women who are hungry for change. Women who want to rock their businesses, their relationships, their lives.
Stay tuned for more info about the launch in the next few weeks.
What might YOU be launching? How are you gathering momentum for the new you? What is on your Stop Doing list? What’s holding you back from living the life you’re dying to live?
Stacey Curnow, a midwife for your life
I recently had the pleasure of chatting with the delightful Stacey Curnow, a midwife and life coach who REALLY knows how to help moms give birth to a life they love. She just created a wonderful digital product for moms called the Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System (yeah I know, THAT’S a mouthful – she calls it “Molly” for short) and it’s a downloadable e-Book with lots of worksheets and charts and tips on how to create the conditions for the life you crave. If you haven’t experimented with e-Books or e-Courses yet, this would be a great place to start. It’s for moms who want to restructure their lives by getting clear on values, goals and dreams, then putting the pieces in place to live them. The exercises are meant to be done by you in your own way; this is the beauty of e-products like this one. Read the interview below and follow the links to Stacey’s website and e-Book. She’s the real deal, ladies!
Enjoy,
Amy
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How long have you been doing what you do and how did you get to be a mentor to moms?
To answer this question, it’s probably best that I share with you some of the story that brought me to where I am today, coaching busy moms who struggle with overwhelm and want clarity and traction on their goals.
I’m a certified nurse-midwife and I work in a busy public health practice, working in a prenatal clinic by day and catching babies in the hospital at night. I’ve been with my husband for 17 years and we have a 5 year-old son. When I had my child and I looked at how I would do anything to ensure his happiness that was when I really looked at my own life and my own happiness.
So I asked myself, “What do I really want?” I realized I wanted to make money and stay with my baby. I talked the hospital administration into allowing me to bring my baby to work. It was the first time they had ever agreed to such an arrangement – they had their doubts, but it turned out to be a great solution (and my husband and son came to work with me for almost 2 years).
I learned from that experience that there is always a solution to meet everyone’s needs – but it may require really thinking outside of the box. I learned that the same passion and focus I brought to my family, friends, community and job can be applied to me and my other interests. I came out of that experience with the firm conviction that anyone really can create the conditions for their own happiness and that’s what I share with my clients.
What are some typical issues your mom clients want to work on with you?
Studies show that happiness is dependent on feeling heard and valued for exactly who you are, having good relationships, and doing something meaningful. But most people don’t believe that these are all within their control. They think happiness is waiting for them somewhere “out there.” My clients are ready to poke holes in that thinking, but they also need support and encouragement to buck the dominant paradigm.
Most of my clients want to learn how to get out of their own way, to quell the voice that constantly says, “You can’t do it, no one will read/listen/care.” They want to create something (separate from their families). All human beings crave novelty and challenge, but they may feel overwhelmed by or afraid of their great, big dream. I help my clients take the seemingly insurmountable goal and break it into smaller, manageable pieces.
How can moms bring more fulfillment or joy to their lives RIGHT NOW?
By acknowledging all of the joy that is in their lives RIGHT NOW. Even if it’s something small like their child’s laugh, or the impossibly blue sky, or a hot cup of tea, look around – it’s like Melody Beattie said, “Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.”
What advice do you have for moms “in the trenches” — those whose lives revolve around babies and little ones?
Never underestimate the power of a small chunk of time. One of the things I loved from doing interviews for the Multi-Passion Mama Project is that I found that every one illustrated the value of devoting even small chunks of time to a project.
One of these stories came from American essayist Krista Bremer, who is an award-winning writer. Her eldest child is 11 and she said when her children were young, before they were even in elementary school, she was often really frustrated because she felt like she wasn’t making any progress with her writing, and she really couldn’t establish a writing routine. But she would take an hour wherever she could grab it and just jot down some thoughts. And she said, though she was often exasperated that nothing was happening, the reality was that those pockets of time added up incrementally and there was a momentum building for her writing.
So, I think that it’s really important when mothers feel frustrated by their lack of time that they just take what time they can and devote it to whatever their interests are. As Krista’s story illustrates – it really adds up, and I think that sometimes we are own worst enemies when we tell ourselves that we don’t have enough time, and what we’re doing isn’t good enough and it never will be.
What exactly is the Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System and what does it include?
Great question! With my program you learn how
- To get clear about your values, goals and dreams.
- To eliminate the things that overwhelm you and drain your energy.
- To create new habits, ways of being and mindsets to create a meaningful and joyful life.
- To take action that is in alignment with your intentions.
It includes an e-book: a 38-page guide (PDF format) that explains the system and exactly how to define your dreams, get out of overwhelm, and get serious traction on your goals. Along with the e-book, you’ll get downloadable resources like a quick-start sheet, easy-to-use templates for weekly and daily planning, and a Special Memories template (to make sure that you remember all the special moments after you’ve created them).
As a Mama with Multiple Passions, what’s your passion and deepest hope for the MPMPS?
My passion is absolutely to help women give birth to a life they love. Your best life may not look exactly the way you envision it – so much of that seems to be influenced by comparisons to other people’s lives – when you really have no idea what those lives are really like. But your core needs – to feel productive and valued for who you really are – are absolutely achievable. The motto for the Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System is “Live imperfectly with great delight.” The goal isn’t to achieve “perfection.” Instead, the goal, in my opinion, is to string together many happy moments, first by creating the conditions for them, then by reducing stress so that you can savor them, and finally by helping you recognize and remember them after they’ve passed.
What if I don’t know what my passion is?
I think the better question is, “What if I do know?” And you do. I promise if you ask yourself, “What do I really, really want?” every night before you go to bed and you set the intention of knowing, you will know very quickly. I think another great question is, “What would I do if I knew I couldn’t fail?” and then find some time, even if it’s only 15 minutes a day, to take determined action (concrete steps) toward that goal.
How can moms sample your work to see if it’s right for them?
A great way to sample my work is by subscribing to the Special Delivery eZine, my weekly email newsletter. It’s free and in it I share stories and articles that are filled with tips, tools, and techniques I use to create an authentic and happy life. And I’d love to share it with you. You can subscribe here.
Want to learn how to find creative solutions that meet everyone’s needs, including your own, that will make a significant difference in your life? Even if you’re not a mom, join Stacey for a FREE live Q&A Thursday, November 4th at 1 pm EST. Just call in to (219) 509-8111 and use the access code 555612 and get all your questions answered!
Stacey Curnow works as a certified nurse-midwife in North Carolina. She is the founder of Midwife for Your Life, a website, blog and series of coaching programs designed to help moms give birth to a life they love.
She lives in Asheville, NC with her husband, young son, Ruby the wonder chicken, and Ruby’s sidekick, Spencer the wonder dog.
All is well
Things are mighty quiet around here these days. In case you were wondering, everyone is fine and the online calm is due to some creative revisioning that has me in another place, literally and metaphorically. I’ve been gifted with a fabulous new brainchild and am taking time to work out the details in terms of my business. It’s hard stuff, but I know it’s going to pay off!
And since you are brilliant and clever and full of insight, I would love to toss out a design challenge to you all. To sweeten the pot, I’ll offer a prize to anyone who comes up with a name and/or tagline for the new baby I’m birthing. Here’s the inspiration:
Imagine seeing a fiddlehead just becoming a fern, stretching toward the light. Remember that fiddleheads stay tightly coiled for a good long while, incubating, until they’re ready to bust out. The image represents women coming into their power, ready to stop being less-than or waiting for permission from someone else. Ready to take a leap. They are women who find themselves at one of many transition points in life, like after beating a diagnosis or sending the last kid off to college or losing a job or getting a degree or discovering they’re done with their marriage or moving across the country. You know, women at a crossroads. And in a hurry to make some serious changes.
I’ve got some ideas cooking, but haven’t been able to find THE combination. Please put on your thinking caps and send me words, phrases, or ideas that might come together as a business name or a tagline. Email your ideas to amy (at) amykessel (dot) com. If you send me something I haven’t got scrawled in my notes and I use it, I’ll send you an iPod shuffle in the color of your choice. (Have you seen the new ones? So adorable!)
Thanks for sticking around, and for helping me morph. 
Much love,
Amy
Widening the Circle
This little blog is growing some great community around it! Thanks for being part of our world. If you haven’t chimed in on our Facebook page, please introduce yourself there and tell us what’s up for you these days.
What I love about Mamamorphosis is that amazing women are connecting with each other; wit and wisdom comes pouring in from all directions, and there’s a palpable sense of support and appreciation for each other as we make our way through motherhood. I’m learning that creating space for you to remember who you are as a woman feeds you. You want to reflect on where you’ve been and what you now know. You have so much to share, and we all benefit enormously.
So here I am today, wondering how to bring in more of your voices. Your presence here is what brings it alive, and I want to see and hear more of you! You have stories to tell, humor to lighten our days, resources to share with the rest of us.
Your inspiration and your truth is hereby requested
So … what if we expanded this space to include YOUR stories, YOUR wisdom, YOUR experience. I bet that with each woman telling her story there will be hundreds out there at their computers, nodding and smiling, maybe wiping a tear, feeling that deep connection and solidarity because of the resonance they feel with what’s being shared. Our lives may look very different on the surface but beneath it all we’re not so very different. We all know this.
Will you join in? Add your voice to the mix? I’d love for you to write about your own personal mamamorphosis. Tell us when, how, what happened to you to bring you to this place you’re at today. What did it take for you to change? What, exactly, has changed? What did you learn? How are you different?
Or, write about what you want for yourself. What sort of change are you longing for right now? What feels stuck and stagnant, and wants to shift? Who are you being, while you’re wishing you were someone else?
Writing about our experiences can be healing for ourselves and for those who read us. Posting your story here on this blogsite is brave, perhaps, but please remember that you’re in great company. We don’t much care about your grammar or your writing style. We want to know about the kernels of truth you took away from your experience, so that we can apply them to our own lives and see if they fit.
The details
Write from your heart about how you’ve changed during motherhood. Share stories, metaphors, quotes, photos, videos – whatever helps you get your story across. If you feel too exposed, use a pseudonym and change the names in your story. Please please don’t worry about what it sounds like; focus instead on the essence of your shift and what you want to say to others about it. Write for yourself, or write as if you’re having a conversation with your best friend.
Please limit your story to 1000 words or less.
Then email it to me at amy at amykessel dot com and I’ll post it here on Mamamorphosis. Easy peasy.
I’m opening the door and welcoming you in. Bring us your heartfelt truth so we can all appreciate the amazing wonder that is you.
Well done, you.
I’d like to take a moment to acknowledge myself for all my accomplishments today, this windy grey late August Sunday. Wanna know what I did? I woke early, meditated for a few minutes, took the pup outside and smelled the clean oceany air, made tea, cleaned the kitchen, chanted the Gayatri Mantra, cleaned the bathroom, had toast, went to my rockin’ dance class, took the recycling to the recycling center, picked up the kids and brought them home, made lunch, cleaned up, did laundry and sat down at the computer to write this post. And it’s only 2pm.
You may be thinking, “Um, yeah, AND…? What’s the big deal?” You, like me, do so many things every day, often so many things at the same time, and we rarely recognize ourselves for our efforts. Yet I sense that we are hungry for acknowledgment. We want to be seen, to be witnessed. Those of us who are moms know the vacuum quality of parenting; noone says “Wow, great job handling that conflict, Mama!” or “You really provide those kids with great choices!” And all of us, as women, could do with a few more “You’re brilliant!”s in our lives.
Without the experience of acknowledgment, we can feel like we are trudging along with no real sense of how we’re doing, what we’re learning or which direction we want to go next. It’s a vital element in self-growth, and so often overlooked. In my coaching practice I see this as one of the hardest practices for women to adopt, even among clients who are super conscientious and intentional. It’s not part of our hard-wiring.
So today I’m asking you to pause, take a moment to reflect on your life over the past week, and write down what you did. You’re comfortable creating “To Do” lists; I want you to create a “Done” list. See what you created, improvised, and learned. Remember how much effort you put out there, and whose lives you touched. Acknowledge yourself for keeping promises you made, and for doing your best.
It’s not important what’s on your list so much as that you intentionally recollect what went on, and give yourself credit for having done it. Completing this cycle opens you up for new experiences and extra energy. When we ignore our accomplishments and plod along without recognizing where we’ve been, it’s like having a hole in the gas tank; a slow leak that, over time, zaps us of our vitality. Instead, taking time regularly to remember what you’ve done will keep you on track and excited about what’s next.
How often do you take stock of where you’ve been? What would it take to make it a daily or a weekly practice?
Getting real with Gremlins
You’re thinking about taking a leap, and in your gut you know it’s time. Maybe you’re about to quit your job, or go into private practice, or send off some writing to an editor. You did your soul-searching homework, feel good about the choice, put the pieces in place. All that’s left now is to leap. So what are you waiting for? What’s going on inside your head? Hmm, I can hear it: there’s a yelling match happening between your wise, grounded self and that annoying little Gremlin.
It sounds something like this: “You’ve GOT to be kidding. You can’t do that!” or “Oh My God remember what happened last time!” or “Who would want to read that?” or “What about the children?” or “You’re so selfish” or “You’re too fat/tall/dumb/inexperienced/shy” or simply “You can’t”. The Gremlin voice is screechy and high-pitched. Your replies start out forceful and assured, then grow more and more faint. Against your better judgment, you allow the Gremlin’s accusations to erode your confidence, and you find yourself saying, “I’ll do it tomorrow…”
You’re probably familiar with the Gremlin already…it shows up when you want to try something new or do something brave. The Gremlin (name given by Rick Carlson in Taming Your Gremlin) is also known as The Inner Critic, The Saboteur, The Committee or The Judge. It’s sneaky, pushy and relentless. It’s the little voice that can stop you in your tracks, if you let it. We all have.
The good news is, they only show up when we’re about to challenge ourselves to do something big, something that comes from a deep place of “yes, I really want this”. So in a way, seeing them is almost like a guidepost on your journey to what you want most. It’s your gut, your intuition, that’s asking for reassurance at these times; sort of like a proving ground. You can see it as an opportunity to really take a stand for yourself and strengthen your intuition muscle. How? By staring down the Gremlin.
My coaching clients often ask for tools to help deal with self-doubt and the inner critic. We set up a plan of action for what to do when they show up in their lives. Here’s the general outline:
1. Hear the voice and recognize it as a Gremlin. You may want to give your Gremlin(s) names, like The Pleaser or Mean Aunt Marge or SuperMom. Notice what characteristics Mean Aunt Marge has, what really sets her off. There probably WAS a mean Aunt in your life at one point, someone who helped you learn how to doubt yourself, so you’ve got a pretty good sense of who she is as a Gremlin. The important thing to remember here is that the voice is not yours, and the Gremlin is not you. Say hello to it. “Hello, SuperMom. I see you’re here again”. This reminds you that it’s separate from you, and it diminishes its power.
2. Acknowledge the Gremlin’s contribution. Your Gremlin often delivers messages that are not necessarily meant to be cruel – they’re simply outdated messages that at one time were meant to keep you safe. Maybe back then you weren’t ready to write that book or cross that street, and there was legitimacy in holding yourself back. But now you are ready and the voice is not welcome.
3. Discipline your Gremlin the way you would a child. Thank your Gremlin for her opinion, and tell her you won’t be needing her assistance on this one. Time for a Gremlin Time-Out. Since you have recognized and acknowledged her first, you aren’t simply pushing her away; you’re dealing with her.
4. Recognize the mean nasty Gremlins, and be forceful with them. Sometimes our Gremlins are plain old harmful, and they need to be told to sit down and shut up. These voices are the unending, piercing ones that use loudness and repetition to catch our attention, because they have nothing else. These Gremlins are not the ones we give Time-Outs; these Gremlins get sent to the back of the bus. They don’t serve a useful purpose. Banish them.
5. Get quiet and listen to your deeper voice, the one that speaks your truth. With the Gremlin voice quieted, appreciate the wisdom and the commitment you welcome forth. Rest with the admission that you really want what you want, and that you can handle whatever it brings. Use that to help you plan your actions.
What about you? What personality does your most familiar Gremlin have? What experiences have you had with the shouting match between the two voices? What will you do the next time your inner critic shows up to derail you from your intentions?
